I Never Thought I’d Get Over Him | Part One

I never thought I'd get over him.

I never thought I’d get over him…I still often times wonder if I have.

Have you? I asked myself.

The question remains unanswered.

There are good days, bad days and days words just can’t describe.

Those indescribable days are when the memories of what was, what could have been and what is, taunt me…

It is what it is, right? I tried to shrug it off, but the thoughts were persistent. He didn’t love you, respect you or value you. 

He was like a light switch. Off. On. Off. On.

Some days he’d be madly in love. He’d die for me, he’d want a family with me, and he couldn’t possibly imagine life without me.

See, he really loves me. I’d smile and reassure myself.

It didn’t matter if he proved it. His word was his bond…or whatever.

Isn’t that how it goes?

Sighs.

I had discovered a person within his sociopathic being that only I could find. This person didn’t exist without me. That was why he “loved” me; he needed me.

He was my own personal Jekyll and Hyde. His personalities were limitless. Unpredictable, at best. I vulnerably loved each and every one of them.

Other days his eyes would bore coldly into mine and I’d wonder when it happened.

When did things change? Who is he? How did I become this person?

Who am I? I don’t know.

I found his inner being, his strengths, his weaknesses and his insecurities.

Where am I? Drowning in his sea of uncertainty.

Gasping for air. Holding on for dear life.

I couldn’t imagine leaving him to fend for himself though I’d been told to leave many times.

I’d stare harshly at the mirror wondering what was wrong with me.

My inner being whispered nothing while my exhausted, beaten exterior shouted everything.

I wondered why he couldn’t love me and pour into me the same way I passionately and effortlessly poured into him. Why couldn’t he light my fire the same way I lit his?

WHY! I screamed.

I didn’t understand how I’d plummeted to rock bottom and he stood unmoved at the top.

There were a lot of things I didn’t understand. Still.

As another sporadic, yet rather predictable, “I love you,” text lights up my phone I wonder…

Am I over him? 

I swipe left to delete his message.

Yes. Yes, I am. 

-D.

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