When I first found out I was having a little girl I was devastated…
Devastated might be overkill, but just know I was NOT happy.
Yes, I felt horrible for feeling that way, but soon learned gender disappointment is an actual thing.
And honestly, it wasn’t even “gender disappointment” for me. I didn’t care which gender my baby was at the end of the day as long as he/she was healthy. I was just so confident SHE was a HE, that I had kind of started picturing my life with a son.
So, I popped the big, black balloon and P I N K glitter and confetti floated to the ground.
My first emotion was fear. I was genuinely afraid to parent a little girl.
Simply put, I didn’t feel like I was good enough to be her mother.
Raising the perfect little girl when I was still learning how to “adult” and maneuver things myself, immediately seemed like way too much pressure.
Despite being around my younger cousins during their newborn stages, I still didn’t know how to be a MOM, let alone an instant role model to my baby girl.
“What if she doesn’t like me? What if I let her down?” I thought to myself.
Hell, I don’t have any parenting skills. I lowkey don’t even like kids. LMAO!
Ironically enough, I had just posted a status on Facebook about how “anti-kids” I was, and how I hoped it was just a phase I was going through.
A week or so later I found out I was pregnant. So, I guess that phase ended quickly. Lol!
Seriously though, this journey to motherhood has been SO amazing in so many different ways.
I never imagined pregnancy being such a transformation – both physically and mentally.
Every decision I make includes my unborn daughter, and for once, I’m totally okay with not being selfish if it means giving her the world.
Y’all…I’ve even stopped my road rage because I know I’m not just living for Destiny, but for my daughter too.
I would never be able to forgive myself if my recklessness caused her any harm or danger; her dad would kill me too.
Watching my body change to accommodate the creation of another life is nothing short of breathtaking.
There are days when I’ll just sit and watch my belly move as if I’ve never seen it before. Or, I’ll find myself rubbing my belly and talking to her as though she can actually understand what I’m saying.
The fact that there’s a little human growing inside of me right now is still completely mind-blowing and I am SO grateful for the opportunity to bring a life into this world knowing so many women are unable to.
I won’t act like it’s been all sunshine and rainbows, though.
I’ve cried A LOT. Shoot, I still cry sometimes for no reason at all!
Sometimes it’s the thought of being an unwed, 24-year-old mom-to-be in this super judgmental world. Other times, it’s Taco Bell not getting my damn order right. Some days my pelvis aches like I’ve been riding a horse for thirteen hours and some days I feel just fine.
Even with the negatives, I’ve learned to appreciate the positives for the sake of remaining stress-free for my baby.
All in all, I’ve had a pretty easy-going pregnancy. *knocks on wood*
Being a mother was one of the last things on my to-do list in life, but everything happens for a reason.
With that being said, I know being blessed with a little girl at this very moment was not by mistake.
Time is literally flying by and I couldn’t be any more anxious, nervous or excited about meeting my baby and finally experiencing motherhood.
Although there’s still 60-something days until baby Z is set to arrive, I already can’t imagine my life without her.
There’s definitely something greater for me to learn from this experience and I can’t wait to figure out what it is.