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Okay, first of all…

The first three weeks with a newborn are r-o-u-g-h.

Everyone who told me to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” straight up LIED to me. HOW? How am I supposed to sleep when I have to pump, clean up, EAT, shower, etc. Likeee, when does anyone have time to sleep? It’s more like a rat race to get things done before my baby wakes up in two or fewer hours.

Labor & Delivery:

Long story short: I had an induced, medicated, vaginal birth. Zoe arrived at 10:26 am.

(Skip to Recovery)

Long story: I wasn’t supposed to have my baby until December 27th, 2017. Initially, January 2nd, 2018. The last few weeks of my pregnancy, my blood pressure was extremely high so my doctor had me coming in for weekly monitoring. That Thursday, I had my regular appointment and my doctor didn’t have great news. My blood pressure was really high, I supposedly had protein in my urine and he wanted to get my baby out before I was forced into an emergency c-section due to complications of being pre-eclamptic.

I was pissed because I absolutely did NOT want to be induced OR to have her before Christmas. However, I also didn’t want to risk waiting until something horrible went wrong. So, I sucked it up and went over to the hospital directly from my appointment where they admitted me and started the Pitocin a couple of hours later.

The contractions were pretty manageable until my OB broke my water. I finally asked for the epidural, which I am so glad exists. Trying to stay still through contractions while an anesthesiologist inserts a needle into your back is NOT easy. I have to say that was the most painful part of the entire experience up until the day after she was born and the afterpains kicked in.

I finally got some sleep once the epidural settled in.

Friday morning around 10:20 a.m., the nurses checked my cervix and asked me to do some practice pushes. After three sets of practice pushes, we had a baby! Zoe entered the world at 10:26 a.m. At this point, my OB hadn’t even made it to my room to do his ONE job.

Recovery

Things were a little painful for the first week and a half or so. My serious restrictions were no lifting or driving for up to two weeks. After that two weeks was up, I was told to take it easy until I was cleared to do normal activities. Overall, I was up and moving around pretty easily after about a week or so.

Post-Partum Depression and Baby Blues are REAL!

There were nights when Zoe and I would both be crying and Zoe would be looking at me like, “Do something, mama!” And, I’d be looking back at her like, “I don’t even know where to begin!”

It’s not something I want to relive anytime soon, but I’m glad I can find the humor in it now.

Also, thank God for my mom being around to take over when I was starting to feel like a mad woman.

Thankfully, I don’t have PPD, but the Baby Blues is no joke. I cried nearly every single day for the first two weeks of Zoe’s life and most times I couldn’t even explain why. It was just an extremely overwhelming, never-ending feeling of guilt, inadequacy, and sadness combined with everything else going on at the time.

One day at a time.

I didn’t really have many visitors once we got home outside of hosting Christmas at our house. THAT was probably one of the most overwhelming situations I’ve experienced thus far. I absolutely hated having so many people around, barging into the room, being extremely loud and bombarding me with questions I couldn’t be honest in answering.

I was an emotional wreck. What kind of mom would I be to say being a new mom sucks or that I’m actually not okay? (I’m feeling much better now, by the way).

I have officially been a mom for ONE whole month and it still hasn’t hit me that I’m actually a mom.

So, what does it feel like?

It’s kind of weird, honestly. I can’t say I’ve had that “wow, this is real” moment quite yet, but I can say motherhood in itself is definitely an adjustment.

When we visit the doctor, I still forget to say her name and DOB instead of mine. It’s also a little hard not being able to get up and go when I feel like it. And, I’m late to everything because getting two people dressed is waaay more time consuming than I imagined.

Time Management Fails

I’m still trying to master this time management thing. Most days just seem to pass me by because I’m so tired from our consistent 4 and 6 A.M. feedings that I sleep (while she sleeps) until 9 to 11 A.M. depending on when she wakes up again. By then, half of our day is gone.

I won’t even get started on my disastrous pumping schedule. *eye roll*

In the beginning, she’d take frequent naps during the day, but lately, she’s been much more up and aware which means less free time for me. Her nightly sleeping schedule is finally improving, but it still varies so much that I can’t really get excited about the newfound longevity just yet.

All in all, I barely get anything done and I can’t wait until I can get her on some type of schedule.

Breastfeeding Chronicles

BF (breastfeeding) is HARD. Everyone says it gets easier, but it hasn’t gotten any easier for me. It’s actually still extremely difficult to find the time or energy to pump on a two-hour schedule, feed her and get anything done around the house. Especially now that she’s staying awake for longer periods of time like I stated above.

I also have flat/inverted nipples, which makes things ten times harder for me because (for the most part) she’s unable to latch without a nipple shield. Also, one breast produces more than the other due to my nipple issues and one being easier to latch onto than the other.

*sighs*

Because of the above struggle, I’m supplementing with formula which puts a huge dent in my supply because she’s not able to create the demand for more milk (by sucking) in order for my body to know it needs to supply more.

So, yeah. It’s stressful.

When no one in your immediate family has breastfed, it’s hard for them to understand exactly how you’re feeling.

I think society makes formula-feeding mothers seem like cop-outs for choosing not to BF or for not being able to as if they didn’t try. In my case, my baby needed to eat and I wasn’t able to provide her with the amount she needed at the time with breast milk alone. Sometimes it’s not a choice to formula feed, but a necessity.

Not being able to BF the way I would like or how I imagined definitely makes me feel like I’ve failed both my baby and myself as a mom, but I’m always reminded that plenty of babies were and still are formula-fed and have turned out just fine. It still sucks, though.

If possible, I want to at least try to BF for 6 months.

Uncensored Moments

Life is rough. I say that both jokingly and in all seriousness.

In the early weeks, I’d literally go days without showering. I wore the same bra, sweats, and polka dot robe every single day.

Beyond the baby blues, sometimes I really, truly feel like a failure for not being able to exclusively BF my baby or even produce and pump enough milk for her to have all day instead of occasionally. Other times I’m just extremely frustrated, super tired, and/or simply in need of a break.

Milestones

I can’t think of every little thing at this moment, but here are a few:

• She could lift her head completely up while laying on her belly by day 6.
• Tries to crawl and also seems to think she can stand. LOL!
• She coos more, eats more, is much more aware of who and what is [going on] around her, and is already rolling from her back to her side!
• We’re getting lots of smiles too!

She won’t be getting any siblings anytime soon so I definitely need her to slow down.

Ramblings…

Being a mom is hard mentally, emotionally and physically. A great support system really makes all the difference during the tough times and I’m so thankful for mine! Despite the hard times, I’m super excited to be a mom! I’m excited to grow into this new role, to learn new things, and to make new mom friends. Lastly, I’m extremely anxious to get back to the gym and kickstart my journey to becoming a MILF.