I have this weird ideology that everything in life is temporary…
This, “don’t get comfortable,” mentality. And, I’m honestly not even sure where this stems from.
This thought process causes me to fear getting comfortable in one place; it makes me feel as though getting too settled will somehow trap me in my current phase of life — and that means committing — another thing I’m afraid of. I never want to feel stuck, so believing everything is temporary helps me appease the idea that if I don’t settle down into this space, I still have the freedom to leave just in case.
Weird, I know.
I guess it’s something like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop…even if it never does. Something being constant in my life is just not something I can condition my mind to believe. It’s almost as if I subconsciously believe everything is too good to be true. So, I don’t want to get too attached to something I can’t count on to be here forever.
I will say I think a lot of this has to do with my Zodiac sign.
(Yes, I’m super into astrology). I’m a Sagittarius, and we often bounce from adventure to adventure. I don’t necessarily want to explore a certain physical place, but I definitely fear the contentment and stagnancy that accompanies not venturing out. I’m always wondering what else is out there; constantly seeking the next best thing, thrill or adventure.
Oklahoma is definitely not a place I want to live forever.
In fact, I don’t even plan to live here in the next 5 years unless something amazing career-wise happens for me. I actually see myself living in an upbeat city like Houston or Austin, Texas. Ideally, I just want to be in a place where I can continue to grow and level up on my previous accomplishments. I have a constant yearning for exploration.
Even in relationships, I feel like I’m constantly anticipating the end.
I’m always awaiting some type of negativity, pain or disappointment. It’s a horrible way to look at things, trust me, I’m aware. I sometimes wonder if this ideology stems from a disappointment or pain I (unknowingly) internalized years ago. You know, the idea of always being let down, broken promise after broken promise and simply being taught to expect the worst or maybe not to expect much of anything at all.
It seems like a toxic way of thinking; living, actually. To fear comfortability and consistency because I’ve been consistently let down and disappointed by things and people I expected to be constant in my life.
No expectations, no disappointments…right? Except, I don’t feel it’s realistic to truly not set expectations for something or someone.
I contemplate seeing a therapist sometimes…
Just for the sake of having a professional dissect my thoughts and help me understand what I’m thinking and kind of put things into perspective, ya know? But I never follow through with it. Maybe I should make seeing a therapist an actual goal of mine and not just an occasional thought.
All in all, I really hope to overcome this “ideology” because it’s crippling in more ways than I’d like to believe.