Single Mom Shame
This is pretty personal, but what is transparency, right?
For me, there is a LOT of shame in being a single mom. And, while I’m not a single mom of a daughter with an absent father, I am still a single (not in a relationship/unwed) mom at the end of the day. The thought of that alone eats me up inside.
Some days are much better than others, but my bad days can be really bad.
I often have thoughts like, “who wants to be with someone with a kid?” Sometimes I feel like I’ve been ruined or that I’m damaged goods now that I have a child and I’m not with her dad. Most times, I genuinely feel like a failure. Like I’ve failed myself, my family and most of all, my baby — because she won’t know what it’s like to grow up in a traditional household with both parents present and truly in love.
Despite how common it is to be a single mom, I still carry SO much shame.
This wasn’t supposed to be my life, you know? I didn’t want to be a statistic. I was supposed to be head over heels in love with my husband and overflowing with excitement at the thought of birthing a piece of both of us.
It breaks my heart to know I didn’t get that opportunity this time around and that my dream life didn’t play out the way I hoped it would. And because of that, I genuinely feel like I got cheated out of the entire pro-creating experience. I wasn’t proud of my growing belly in any way, and hid it every chance I got. I hated people looking at it, questioning me and judging me for not having a ring on my finger.
Note to self: God is crafting someone just for me, right now, despite my situation.
The most important thing for me to remember is that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. What seems to be picture-perfect for one family could actually be hell. Though I find myself down about my circumstances right now, I am aware that things could be so much worse.
Yes, I really do have SO MUCH to be proud of. Still, some days are better than others. Overcoming this shame is going to be a work-in-progress. It will require a LOT of faith and spiritual cleansing, but I’m totally up for the task.